[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings