[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG