Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic