“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
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[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.