doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’m not stressed
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.