Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Growing out my freckles.