[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]