The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”