[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
You Might Also Like
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Canada has crack?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Squirrels before girls.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?