My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.