Is there a class for just the karate noises?
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Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw