The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
yeah not falling for this one
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.