Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
new wife guy just dropped
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever