The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters