Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Was it something I said?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.