Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
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I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Y’all know who you are.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before