My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
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Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.