Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
You Might Also Like
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I will never stop laughing at this
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on