My new favorite headline
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school