*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I’d rather go liquor treating.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.