Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.