[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*