Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
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Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”