[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.