My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?