Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush