thanksgiving should be called feaster
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paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Breaking news:
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.