At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.