ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
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Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????