“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now