Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You Might Also Like
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition