Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
You Might Also Like
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.