My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..