Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
You Might Also Like
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you