[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
✌️
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that