Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
seems like a niche market
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”