Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Baller is short for ballerina
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.