Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
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if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
what kind of cook setting is this??
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged