Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?