Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.