Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
You Might Also Like
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.