MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
just gave your address to some spiders