Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.