Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
plant them where lol
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I’m sorry…what?
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing