ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Happy Thanksgiving
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.