The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
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I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
We have a winner.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.