5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive