They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
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My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You are what you delete.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Going to church you guys need anything
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?