Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.