Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
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Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”